Let’s talk about rejection.

UGH. Rejection. That good old punch in the gut. Whether it’s romantic or professional, it leaves you feeling like you're just not quite enough. You know when you’re updating a mobile, or a computer, and it crashes mid-way through, and then afterwards it’s just… glitchy? That’s how you feel. Like bad-code. One big human glitch.

But let’s get real about it for a second.

When I was in my early twenties, I had written my first novel. At that time, it meant the world to me: I couldn’t play an instrument, speak a second language, paint, sketch, dance, sing… but I could write. It was my talent. It was my identity; it was what made me, me.

I am not sure if any of my readers are in the book business, but when you write a book, in most cases you will not be able to send it directly to a publisher. They will not accept unsolicited manuscripts; this means you need an agent to champion your work.

And so, I started to send my little creation out to agencies. When you submit to an agency, it can be anywhere between 3-6 months before they get back to you, if you’re lucky. And I fired my book out everywhere… I sprinkled it around like literary confetti. By my calculations, that’s a lot of expectations to have built up in a handful of query emails. And with that, I waited, and waited… and while some did get back to me requesting what they call a full read (which means you send the entire manuscript to them), they all eventually came back with responses such as the ones scribbled/wept over below:

“I am afraid that we are going to decline to take it on for publication”.

“Unfortunately, in this instance, its not right for us.”

“We will contact you only if we are interested in your work.  If you don’t hear from us within six weeks of receiving this automatic message, please assume that we have considered your material carefully but have decided to pass.” - An Agency that did not contact me after six weeks from receiving their automatic message.

“On this occasion I'll have to pass.”

“We do not feel we could add you to our list.”

“Not for us.”

“Pass.”

“Pass.”

“Don’t be disheartened.”

Don’t. Be. Disheartened. I stared at that message for a long time. I was very disheartened. In fact, I’m pretty sure I left my heart back at the tenth rejection. I was so disheartened that I was probably in need of some cardiac specialist to sort me out. As a young woman, this book was so heavily intertwined with my soul, that it felt like I was having a major identity crisis. This was not just a rejection of my book, but of the very best words I could produce at that time. I felt like the entire literary world was telling me that I needed to stop writing. My confidence was as low as it could possibly be. And with the world still spinning, and other aspects of my life changing, I believed it was time for me to stop (which led to my decision to quit, and nearly die trying, which was discussed in one of my previous blog posts).

But then something amazing happened: I grew up. During my time as a non-writer, I started to read everything. Lots of things I would have never read before: topics like Buddhism, Philosophy, Selfhood… and the more I read, the more I developed my own perspective on happiness and life. And with that, I started to objectively consider why my novel didn’t quite make the cut.

In reality, it was a bit shit.

The structure was off. So off. There were exciting moments and moments where I am pretty sure I was trying to kill my readers with boredom. The characters were underdeveloped. Everyone was too shifty. The story was not well contained… Honestly, it is a novel that I am so glad I wrote, but I am also glad it never made it to the bookshelf. In reality, it’s just a very early draft from a writer that needed to grow into themselves. The professionals, being the agencies, all knew that. It wasn’t until later, when I started to get the support from others (more on that to come!) did I finally put pen to paper again. Or… finger to keyboard? Whatever. I started to write.

I now fully appreciate the concept of rejection being redirection. I will have many more rejections to come, both on a professional and personal basis I’m sure. But with all the love in my heart and I will accept that the dream I had in that moment just wasn’t for me, and instead something more attracted to my style, and wit (because let’s face it, I have buckets of the stuff), will come along. For example, I am now writing a new book; one that is a greater representation of me. And I am so excited about it! And if it gets rejected then that’s just fine; it’s just growing pains. In actual fact, the real thing, what’s truly out there for me, won’t pass me by. And that’s the same for you as well. So cheers to you, rejection: thanks for taking us all to exactly where we need to be.